Why are people unkind at work?

Firstly, it’s not all their fault. Of course people are partly to blame (they have ultimate responsibility for their actions) but being unkind is common practice, it's what they see, what they hear and what they experience on a day to day basis. It's no wonder unkindness is a habit.

Why are people unkind at work?

There are lots of reasons why unkindness has become prevalent in the workplace. These include language, culture, role models, education, our own self-doubt and stress-psychology.

1. Experience

Unkindness is a commonly seen so it becomes normal to be unkind.

In October 2014, Relate published their report, The Way We Are Now (2014), which surveyed 5,000 people to give a unique perspective on relationships with friends, families and work

3 in 5 people felt dissatisfied or ambivalent about the support they receive from their employers in striking a work-life balance
1 in 3 thought their bosses believed the most productive employees put work before family
41% of people did not feel they had a good relationship with their boss

From the same report updated in 2016 ...

27% said they work longer hours than they would choose and this is damaging their wellbeing
21% agreed that attending to care responsibilities is frowned upon at work
12% said their boss behaves in an intimidating/bullying way towards them

Low numbers (like 12%) can disguise the seriousness of the problem. If 12% of people at work are being bullied/intimidated, that's 3,840,000 people who are treated badly by their boss, a person who has a duty to keep that person safe and well.

If people are regularly seeing or experiencing people being treated badly, such as a disregard for work-life balance, this becomes an accepted & expected part of work.

2. Vulnerability

People feel less likely to be attacked if they are dangerous or aggressive.

Anger, toughness or unkindness are often a reaction to fear. When people are worried that something bad is going to happen to them, they tell themselves to be tougher so as to put up with or put off the whatever is worrying them.

Think about a competitive work environment. If a competitor spots a weakness (like being unable to work on Fridays because of childcare) they may take advantage of it by organising important meetings or sales-leads happen on a Friday.

Before this has happened, people worry that someone will take advantage of their weakness, so they 'toughen-up' to avoid that happening.

Often written as "the best defence is a good offence" this is a commonly held belief:

Often success rests on destroying the enemy's ability to attack. This principle is paralleled in the writings of Machiavelli and Sun Tzu

Wikipedia

In this example they might tell everyone that sales-meetings have always been on Thursdays and they'll have to suck it up.

in 'defending' themselves from an attack that hasn't happened they've fixed the terms of the meetings without considering other people's needs and they've done it in an unfriendly an aggressive manner.

3. Habit

Unkind behaviour has been part of our day-to-day lives for generations.

Consideration, care and fair reward for employees has been a problem for many years. As soon as some people had more money than others, they used that money to buy and sell people: slavery. This lasted for about 11,000 years. That's a long hard habit to break.

And whilst slavery is largely considered to be unethical and is globally illegal, poorly paid and exploited labour is still an issue.

This graph from Google books shows how writing about employee rights rose sharply in from 1920 to 1980, but sank equally as quickly into 2020

A close up of this slump can also be seen in Google Trends from 2004 to 2020, with a slow but steady disinterest in employee rights. Albeit a small peak at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic.

It seems as though, for a very ling time treating people badly without due care and attention is the norm.

4. Role-models

A huge amount of the successful people we in press, books, TV and films are unkind.

Here are just a few of the people who are famous for being successful in business. They are all notorious for being harsh, blunt and undermining. When people see ultra-successful role models behaving like this without any repercussions, it shows them that this is the way to behave.

Steve Jobs

Notoriously harsh including the time when VLSI Technology, a chip company, was having trouble delivering enough chips on time. Jobs stormed into a meeting and started shouting that they were “fucking dickless assholes."

Business Insider

Jeff Bezos

Amazon founder, Bezos is known for regularly shooting off phrases like “I’m sorry, did I take my stupid pills today?”, “Are you lazy or incompetent?” and “If I hear that idea again, I’m gonna have to kill myself.

Harvard Business Review

Alan Sugar

Asked about his blunt manner, Sugar said people like that he tells it as it is. “People appreciate it. They like to know where they stand,” he said. “Most people who deal with me say they get a straight answer when they talk to me."

Irish Times

Simon Cowell

Half the reason people tuned into the show was to see him rip apart contestants with his scathing remarks. Cowell used this shtick for years drawing in record ratings and raking in millions in the process.

TV-Overmind

5. Neurology

Human-beings are hardwired to react to stress with aggression or fear.

Stress creates chemicals in human brains that causes us to fight, flight or freeze. So, when people are stressed a good proportion of them will automatically be aggressive, walk away or maybe shut you out. This is not because they think this is the best way to behave, its because it's a natural and instinctive reaction.

When you are stressed you may experience many different feelings, including anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, or frustration. These feelings can sometimes feed on each other and produce physical symptoms, making you feel even worse. For some people, stressful life events can contribute to symptoms of depression.

Metal Health Foundation's definition of stress

The Mental Health Foundation

That's the end of this section, it's time to digest, discuss & deliver

Digest

Take some time to think about this sort of behaviour. Have you seen people using these tactics? Have you used these tactics yourself? Why do people use them?

Discuss

Talk to colleagues your trust about this. Remember it's a sensitive issue and people might feel attacked so tread gently. Ask them if they've seen this behaviour. If so, what do they think about it?

Deliver

There's nothing to do yet apart from thinking differently (

Next: Poor Processes

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