I’m really enjoying it.

I’m enjoying it because people very rarely want to have the difficult conversations. We’re told not to talk about religion, sex, politics. This means that big underlying problems get ignored.

• Don’t talk about religion means ignoring Catholic paedophilia
• Don’t talk about sex means ignoring sex trafficking
• Don’t talk about politics means ignoring the crisis in parliament

I’m really enjoying it because when we have difficult conversations we make things better.

BUT, having difficult conversations about important issues is difficult. People care about this issues and feel strongly about them so here’s my guide to discussing things in a way that’s more likely to reach a satisfying conclusion.

1. Are you trying to be funny?

Because comedy has been used for centuries to tackle taboo topics, difficult issues also attract a lot of sarcasm and satire. These are great, but they also make things difficult to understand.

Satire, sarcasm and straight are all good ways of making a point, but on the internet especially they are confusing.

A quick intro to straight, sarcastic and satire

Brexit is good for the pound

• Straight – Someone directly meaning what they say e.g. “Brexit is good for the pound” means leaving Europe will have a positive effect on the strength of the pound
• Sarcastic – Someone saying the opposite of what they mean e.g. “Brexit is good for the pound” means leaving Europe will weaken the pound. Normally done to demonstrate that you don’t like something
• Satire – Someone ‘playing it straight’ for comic effect knowing that what they are saying isn’t true e.g. “Brexit is good for the pound” whilst showing a graph of the weakening pound. This is normally done to undermine a point or demonstrate its flaws

However, public communication is often text-only, like Twitter, Facebook, posters, websites and newspapers. In these formats straight, sarcastic, and satirical are much less obvious. Is the following statement straight, satirical or sarcastic?

“The British are being foolish”

It’s impossible to tell. But worryingly, you probably had a gut reaction or intuition based on your own opinions. This means you’re already assuming what someone means, so you’re already on the road to misunderstanding.

2. I’m not being racist but …

The British are being foolish

The statement “The British are being foolish” is likely to cause other misunderstandings. The catch-all term British, could mean any of the following

• British people (UK population)
• British Parliament (all MPs)
• British Government (Conservative party)
• British leader (Theresa May)

It’s possible to make a case that all of these people/groups have been foolish at some point in time. Therefore all of them are true. What this means is that people are often agreeing when they mean something different.

It also means that people disagree because they infer the wrong meaning. One starts arguing that the British haven’t been foolish (meaning the British population) whilst the other argues they have (meaning the British Government) so none of their arguments or counterpoints match up, leading both people thinking the other is speaking nonsense.

3. Oh, you mean a …

That’s not a cat it’s a koshka

People can also disagree when they mean the same thing. The whole point of language is to have a shared point of reference. When I say cat you know I mean a small furry animal that purrs.

Someone else (a Russian someone) might disagree and say that the small furry purry thing is a koshka. They might also say that it’s a khorek.

The quicker you find out that koshka means cat and khorek means ferret, the quicker you can have a useful discussion. You could easily waste three years arguing that it’s a cat not a koshka when in reality you’re actually agreeing.

4. Isn’t it obvious?

“Britain is obviously a very different country now than it used to be, so international deals will be harder to negotiate”.

When people believe strongly in a point, they often shorten their statements or completely omit any reasoning at all. This is because their opinion is so obvious to them it doesn’t need any extra explanation.

One might say “Britain is obviously a very different country now than it used to be, so international deals will be harder to negotiate”.

I haven’t said how Britain is different or even the time scale I’m referring to. That means I’m leaving it up to the read/listener to guess how and when I mean. I could mean any of the following..

1. Britain is different now that soppy liberals get their way all the time and so other countries won’t take us seriously
2. The Government has disagreed and become divided, so it might harder to negotiate a deal that all MPs will agree on
3. We no longer rule over 20% of the world’s population and landmass (like the peak of the British Empire) so we don’t have the same bargaining power as we did then

Number three is such a robust statement that it almost isn’t worth making. But the first two are less agreeable.

5. I’m not being rude but …

Soppy liberal butt hurt snowflake tory scum

Finally onto ‘strong’ language. If we’re to call you a “heartless, cowardly racist c*nt” it’s likely that you’d be offended. Whilst I might not have MEANT to be offensive (I might be being sarcastic) it is naive and inconsiderate of me to think you wouldn’t be offended.

It doesn’t take a very smart person to see that using words that lots of people find offensive could easily be perceived as offensive.

If you’re using language that is most commonly perceived in one way and hoping it is perceived in other you are being a poor communicator.

If you expect to tell people they are frogs, niggers, wops or kikes and are surprised when they are offended, you’re either very naïve or using the wrong word. Likewise if you say people are awesome, lovely, brilliant or brave, they are likely to perceive this as positive.

If you seek to offend, that is fine. If you are trying to make a point that other people might agree with, making them angry first might feel satisfying but it won’t help them understand your point

6. Did you mean …

If you aren’t sure just ask. It’s much better to ask if someone was trying to be funny than assume they’re trying to be abusive.

Good discussion in a nutshell

1. Talk about it. Ignoring topics or people is a rubbish way to have a discussion. If you don’t want to hear the other-side, it’s not a discussion, it’s abuse
2. Be funnier. If you’re trying to be funny, make it clear that’s what you’re doing. If it’s not clear, you’re probably not very funny
3. Agree terms. Try to agree on the definitions of the words you use. I find a dictionary helps. If the dictionary says something very different to what you mean, you’re using that word wrongly
4. Don’t assume. If your statement doesn’t have the word because in it then you’re increasing the chances of being misunderstood because that word begins to explain why you think what you do
5. Play nice. If you use offensive words, patronising language or personal insults the other person will not listen
6. Ask. If you’re not sure what someone means, ask

Have fun on the internet everyone.

Comic from: https://xkcd.com/386/